Friday, January 22, 2016

The fog, the ice.



Yesterday, a friend posted this to Facebook, I can't remember which friend (sorry!) because I was lazily scrolling through and did a tap and save because I knew that I would eventually get around to coming on this blog to write about this topic and this image was perfect.

I will start by saying this: I am going through a bout of diabetes burnout (but not distress)

It's been slowly wrapping its fingers around me like the fog rolls in on a late summer evening. It started with small glimpses of ennui and ambivalence towards anything that had to do with the disease. Then it rolled in to me hiding people from my Facebook friends feed who I don't know in real life but who seem to only talk about diabetes. Then I hid groups, and stopped going to my normal pages that I like to read every day. I took a break from tweeting anything about diabetes, and even lost a bit of touch with some of my closest friends online because I just didn't want to discuss diabetes at all in my life.

The fog rolled in a little more furiously after the holidays, it started to cover the ground and I was losing my footing. I wore my CGM continuously because I wasn't sure, at that very point in time if I could trust myself to check my blood sugars the amount they should be checked to maintain the control my body is used to (sorry mom). Between being attached to another device and not knowing my blood sugar at all, I chose the device.


No earthquakes, you see.

Boy, it is hard to work in diabetes, and live it sometimes. I will say that. There's no hiding all button when you are writing proposals for grants, or planning events. There's no off button.

No earthquakes.

This is bizarre. This fog, this freezing rain that is covering everything in a thin sheild of fragile ice,it's blanketing things at a time that, other than this, I am truly excited and happy. I have so many wonderful things in my life outside of this stupid disease that I am surprised that this is what is happening. Other times I have struggled with burnout it has been during really difficult times where I was also battling job loss, breakups, poor grades in university and more. But this.

This fog. This thin layer of ice. It's adding beauty and depth to an otherwise monotonous disease. Maybe it's just the cycle of it. I am over 25 years in, so maybe I was just naturally due for a bit of ennui.

Due for a bit of fog.

Due for a thin layer of crackly ice that makes the trees seem beautiful in the distance, but up close you can see the bark peeling under the pressure of being cold.

But no earthquakes.

Just the ebb an flow, the hazy fog to burn off (it always does)

The crackly ice to give way to fresh tree bark.

3 comments:

  1. Hi Alanna:

    I am feeling the D burnout as well lately. However,I figure a person gets along as best we can. I loved your blog.

    I want you to know that referred your blog to the TUDiabetes web site for inclusion on our Web Blog page.

    ReplyDelete