Tuesday, November 4, 2014

Low brain no edits

Ever since I started this blog I thought I would write a post while I was in the middle of a low and just spew my thoughts. No edits

Here is it.

I woke up this morning and my blood sugar was 8.0.

I took a bolus for my brakfast and then went on my way.

grabbed my lunch at the last minute because I didn't want to starve.

I drank a cup of coffee black, no sugar or creamer because a blood sugar of 8 with carbs in the morning can lead to yesterday and i don't want to feel like my air is being sucked out of my lungs all day again with a high blood sugar i just can't chase.

I got to work and had a coffee from starbucks put some cream and one sugar in this time.

work. worked. emails. so many email. click facebook scroll scroll, someone called scott johnson out for being a shitty advocate and i checked my calendar to make sure it isn't fucking backwards day cause  that shit is WEAK. that person doesn't know what they're talking about we all love you scott and you're a better person than most people we know. please don't ever stop.

nausea.

why am i nauseated? was my roast beef sandwich bad last night? it tasted fine. good. great even. shit i wish i had a roast beef sandwich right now.

emails. mroe emails.

oh someone tagged me in a post about movies i like movies yes i will go to that movie. coffee is cold.

i really want a damned roast beef sandwich.

stop. wait.

did i eat breakfast for my hefty bolus? i bolused for 60g of carbs.

think.

fuck thinking is hard.

flushing face. boss asks a question i answer in the positive i don't know what i agreed to.

i am hungry. why am i so  hungry i was 8.0!

8.0at 6:30 this morning with a large bolus and....

and that...breakfast?

shit.

SHIT.

I forgot to eat breakfast.

shaky. my arms are jell-o.

this is urgent. check. did i forget my meter? did i re-fill my strips? what is in reach tht has sugar. this is going downhill fast. so fast. maybe i should write that blog post. crap another email. i have to call..

shit.

check. poke. why won't my poker click> i am holding it backwards. what happens if i pass out? what happens if in this moment, at my desk is the first time in 25 years with T1D that I DON'T MAKE IT.

3.4

shit I should have eaten my breakfast. Why did I do that? I am so stupid. That was stupid. I k now better. I am better. I just don't want to have a high blood sugar because i like my feet, my kidneys, my eye sight. i am 30 now.

a big spoon full of nutella and two glucose tabs.

write that blog post now before it all kicks in,

i feel safe with sugar but iam still feeling low. my head feels detatched and far away my fingers are spilling my thorughts. i know there are typos but i promised NO EDITS.

such a stupid rookie mistake. i never skip breakfast. especially if i have bolused. why didn't i just eat the banana on my desk?

i'll eat that now. I want my banana and a roast beef sandwich and nutella and toast and chips and chocolate and my apple, and cheese. oh man i want a cheese stick.

13 mins have passed. re-check...........


4.1.

In the safe zone but feeling low and so hungry.

I need to eat now. I am safe to make myself some breakfast.

Why did I do that? Stupid I was so stupid. I am better than that.

Publish.



9 comments:

  1. Glad it ended well. And I could really go for a roast beef sandwich right now. Also, I'm glad I can say to you, at the end of it all...

    Success.

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    Replies
    1. All I wanted in that moment was another sandwich. I usually crave protein when I am low. Go figure. Not very useful ;)

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  2. Alanna, you're fantastic. Thanks for sharing this. And I didn't even have to be low for my brain to follow along! Isn't it something how our minds go skittering off in so many different directions? Ugh.

    I'm glad you're Ok.

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    Replies
    1. Thanks. Happy to have you on my team :)

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  3. Yes, what Scott said. I think that when we go really low (at least me), we tune out everything going on around us, which gives our uninterrupted brains lots of time and space to stretch out and think -- about anything and everything (except, ironically, what to do about that low!).

    I know this was written in the moment, literally, but I hope you can stop beating yourself up over this and forgive yourself. Shit happens. We move on...

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    Replies
    1. I forgave myself pretty quickly. Though all day I was so hungry. Does this ever happen to you? If I have a nasty low in the morning I can spend ALL day just feeling like I can't eat enough. Weird!

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  4. I don't understand the units of measurement you're using, 8.0, 3.4, 4.1? Could you explain?

    also I'm glad you're ok!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sure, everywhere but the US uses a different measurement of blood sugar, we use mmol/L instead of mg/dcl.

      To find the value in US terms, you multiply by 18.

      8.0 is 144
      3.4 is 61
      4.0 is 72

      :)

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    2. God that is stupidly simple, America I swear..
      I think next time I have a low I'll definitely do this to compare, from what I see we have pretty similar reactions to lows throughout the day. Thanks for sharing :)

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