I am still unsure of what I want to write here.
I attended the Friends For Life conference last week. It was incredible.
The feeling of being surrounded by green bracelets, and people who can say "I get it" is un-topable. I had a lot of people question why I came all the way from Canada, and I never had an answer for them. I usually explained that it was important to me.
I have a lot to unwrap about the conference and I intend to do so, but I just want to get something off my chest that weighed me down a bit.
I had my eyes checked.
I always get my eyes checked, I go see a specialist every year to get my eyes checked. So I wasn't worried. In fact they pulled me in, in the hallway after I registered because there was nobody in their seat. I wasn't afraid and I let them know that it was truly unnecessary because I was Canadian and I had coverage and I wanted someone without as much privilege as me to have a seat. But they told me to have a seat and look at the dots and coloured crosses.
I did so.
And they printed out my results, and she looked at the results quizzically with a slight "hm" under her breath. The doctor looked over with her and said some things I don't understand and then he said "You need to go to the dark room just over the stairs so they can look a little closer. It might be totally normal, but it's good to check."
I further pushed back, explaining that I have my very own doctor, the one who smiles big every time I have a check up and says "No diabetes eyes for you!", in three months. It's fine. I am fine. I don't NEED to see a doctor. They insisted.
I was worried. It was a 45 minute wait to see Dr. Ben. I paced in the hallway picking at my new green bracelet. I read everything about the studies they were doing. I closed my eyelids one at a time and made sure there were no spots or blurry visions.
I was fine.
Except I wasn't. I went through around 10 more tests and squints and "yes I wear glasseses" before I spoke to Dr. Ben and what he saw. He saw two bleeds in my left eye. He explained they were very tiny, but they were close to the macula so it was important to follow up. He said they will probably fix themselves if I keep my blood sugar in range (ha!) and exercise like I have been. He told me to make sure I mention all of this to my doctor at home because he may not see them due to the special equipment he had.
I thanked him with a very shaky hand shake and didn't know where to go. I just kind of stood in the hallway leaning against the wall wondering what to do. I closed my eyes tight trying to feel or see anything different but it was just normal. My blood sugar was normal, my A1c is below-normal, my exercise is great, my blood pressure is fine, my diet is good...what can I do? Just wait.
I didn't do anything wrong but the overwhelming blanket of guilt just started to smother me, so I started to walk-quickly. I wanted to breathe some fresh air before I lost it in front of all of these strangers scurrying by me. I went outside and gathered myself before I met my friend and headed to Universal Orlando-where we had a good time.
For the record I now have a new appointment next month with my specialist.
Unfortunately this weighed on me like a big secret. I didn't want to bring anyone down, especially myself. But now I regret not leaning on some of the people who would have understood the most.
I promise my other FFL posts will be more positive and informative, but I needed to unload that.