It has been a hectic few weeks in my life.
T and I bought a house! It's a glorious feeling to achieve something we have both been working hard at and something we both want. We close the house on June 4 and after that it will be months op a few updates and renos that need to be done. I am so excited to put in hard work to my own home. Todd and I excitedly chatted last night about colors, places to put things what colour laminate floor etc.
It's been great.
What wasn't great was meeting with our mortgage professional. Not that he isn't a really nice, thorough and educational person. It came down to choosing to put life and disability insurance on our mortgage. $26 a month can do a lot for us should something happen to myself or Todd and ensure that the payments are being made.
Stacey looked at me and said "now, you probably won't qualify for life and disability, but you should apply and answer the questions they may have for you truthfully and see what happens. Diabetes is one of the most common reasons people get denied for this insurance. I am trying to be truthful here."
I knew this. It's part of the territory. But the words sting. I looked at Todd, he seemed completely unconcerned with the words he was hearing, he was cautiously optimistic. Maybe it's because I don't make a big deal of what COULD happen with diabetes, I make a big deal that I am doing a really good job of taking care of myself. Maybe that calms his fears that I may, some day end up with heart disease, loss of vision, limbs, the need to dialysis among many, many other things.
My throat got a little tight and my eyes were stinging with tears. Is this stupid disease something that might leave Todd financially crippled if something does happen to me in the future? I didn't ask for it. I am doing everything I can to live like it isn't something that CAN happen to me. But what if?
But what if? What if I hit the wall again and go deep into another burnout? As I gazed at the man I have chosen to spend my life with, in that moment I knew that I had more responsibility now to never let that happen again. I knew in that moment that if I started to feel like I had to let something go it would never, ever again be my health or my self-care. I knew that I had to lean on others for emotional support at some point, and never to let my mental health get fuzzed again.
I carefully read every word of the questionnaire. I only checked one box yes. The most general box of them all:
"Are you affected by or have you been diagnosed with: diabetes, cancer, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, gastric-intestinal issues, crones, colitis, muscular issues, dementia, mental illness, scoliosis, diseases of the bone or blood, HIV, Aids etc etc etc etc." The list went on. I put my pen on the yes box and slowly checked it. I was so mad. I was so mad that the insurance industry was lumping me with everyone else. I was so mad there wasn't a clause that said "but if you are trying your best, and are healthy by a doctor's standard, you can check no."
I didn't have the option to explain that this can be hard but I am doing everything I can to make sure I never NEED life and disability insurance on my mortgage, but I am human and humans break down eventually, isn't that was this is for? It is guaranteed that ALL humans will go through some sort of illness in their life, just because I have been handed my card early in life, does this mean I am any less worthy of having the stability it may lend to my partner in the future?
It was the first time in a long time I felt mad that I was diabetic rather than empowered. It was the first time that I couldn't turn back and educate someone on how life with diabetes just really isn't that bad. It was the first time that I wasn't really sure that I felt that way about diabetes. In that moment I was mad and hurt. In that moment the checked off yes box laughed in my face.
I still await my call from the insurance underwriter. I will be honest with them in how well I manage and I hope they can see that my hard work deserve my peace of mind in the future.
But what if?