Monday, November 19, 2012

The guilt.

I have had a few decent-ish days D-wise.  Sugars are relatively in range. My only high spike is again where I changed my infusion set. I tried the tip of leaving my older one in for four hours to ensure all insulin/basal/boluses were absorbed, but alas the new site still took forever to start absorbing correctly. I don't feel good when my sugar is up around 14.0/252. Some people might not feel that at all, and that's ok too, but for me the feeling is awful.

So what happens emotionally when my sugar is out of range? I feel even worse, like I am failing at something I am supposed to be really, really good at. When my sugar is above 8.0 or below 4.5 I feel like something I did was wrong. I feel guilt, I feel shame, I feel sadness, I feel angry. It doesn't happen often but sometimes I think: "Why me?"

Why was I the one to have to deal with this crap day-in and day out? There are so many people out there who do bad things and are bad, mean-spirited people. I don't necessarily think that anyone deserves to struggle with a chronic illness, but I catch myself sometimes thinking: why not them? Then I feel guilty for even thinking that! So I am guilty over failing myself because of my numbers and then I feel guilty for thinking someone else should have to deal with this and not me. It can be a vicious circle.

So, in times like that in the past I have vented to friends or my partner. But these days I am reading blogs/reaching out on twitter to people like me. I can't really list them all here, in fact that is another post for another day but people like: Kerri , Kim, Scott, Mike, Stacey and SO MANY MORE (believe me if you aren't listed here: I still read your blog, I just had those off the top of my head!) are writing every day about stuff that I am dealing with too.


I am not even a little guilty about how much crap just spilled out of my diabag when I lifted it up the wrong way to refill Huey the Bluey pump. Look at all those used test strips I carry around with me every day! GROSS/I kind of want to keep all my used strips for a year and make something out of them. I AM GROSS.

4 comments:

  1. What a powerful post, Alanna.

    You know, I think that when our BG's are out of whack it messes with our brain chemistry too. I know I start feeling very different mentally when I'm way high. I bet that has something to do with it too.

    And you know what I see in that picture? I see someone working very hard to take good care of herself.

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    1. Thanks for the kind words, Scott. I totally agree that something happens with our chemical make up when the sugars are out of whack. I just have to remind myself it's my body talking not me, when this happens.

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  2. You are not alone in your feelings about this. And our bodies definitely react different when we are running high. Sometimes I look back at the year leading up to my diagnosis (especially the 3 months prior) and realise how emotionally and mentally I was being affected by high blood sugars, I just didn't know it yet. It really throws us off. We can only do our best and remind ourselves that every day is a fresh start.

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  3. Dude, the chaos in my diabag is just as crazytown. :)

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