Monday, November 19, 2012

The guilt.

I have had a few decent-ish days D-wise.  Sugars are relatively in range. My only high spike is again where I changed my infusion set. I tried the tip of leaving my older one in for four hours to ensure all insulin/basal/boluses were absorbed, but alas the new site still took forever to start absorbing correctly. I don't feel good when my sugar is up around 14.0/252. Some people might not feel that at all, and that's ok too, but for me the feeling is awful.

So what happens emotionally when my sugar is out of range? I feel even worse, like I am failing at something I am supposed to be really, really good at. When my sugar is above 8.0 or below 4.5 I feel like something I did was wrong. I feel guilt, I feel shame, I feel sadness, I feel angry. It doesn't happen often but sometimes I think: "Why me?"

Why was I the one to have to deal with this crap day-in and day out? There are so many people out there who do bad things and are bad, mean-spirited people. I don't necessarily think that anyone deserves to struggle with a chronic illness, but I catch myself sometimes thinking: why not them? Then I feel guilty for even thinking that! So I am guilty over failing myself because of my numbers and then I feel guilty for thinking someone else should have to deal with this and not me. It can be a vicious circle.

So, in times like that in the past I have vented to friends or my partner. But these days I am reading blogs/reaching out on twitter to people like me. I can't really list them all here, in fact that is another post for another day but people like: Kerri , Kim, Scott, Mike, Stacey and SO MANY MORE (believe me if you aren't listed here: I still read your blog, I just had those off the top of my head!) are writing every day about stuff that I am dealing with too.

I am not even a little guilty about how much crap just spilled out of my diabag when I lifted it up the wrong way to refill Huey the Bluey pump. Look at all those used test strips I carry around with me every day! GROSS/I kind of want to keep all my used strips for a year and make something out of them. I AM GROSS.


  1. What a powerful post, Alanna.

    You know, I think that when our BG's are out of whack it messes with our brain chemistry too. I know I start feeling very different mentally when I'm way high. I bet that has something to do with it too.

    And you know what I see in that picture? I see someone working very hard to take good care of herself.

    1. Thanks for the kind words, Scott. I totally agree that something happens with our chemical make up when the sugars are out of whack. I just have to remind myself it's my body talking not me, when this happens.

  2. You are not alone in your feelings about this. And our bodies definitely react different when we are running high. Sometimes I look back at the year leading up to my diagnosis (especially the 3 months prior) and realise how emotionally and mentally I was being affected by high blood sugars, I just didn't know it yet. It really throws us off. We can only do our best and remind ourselves that every day is a fresh start.

  3. Dude, the chaos in my diabag is just as crazytown. :)