Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Rollercoaster ride. I don't like rollercoasters.

I am very frustrated with my D and I can't even figure it out. I know it's pretty normal to go through phases like this, but I was intending to get my hba1c done this week and I have completely scrapped that idea since the past five days have absolutely NO reflection on how hard I have been working or how tight my control has been since I started my new pump.

I have been in tears twice now since Friday just because I feel so helpless under this weight of pressure I have on myself to prevent my toes from falling off, my kidneys from failing, my eyes from going, my heart from stopping.

I have been having a massive week of self-pity and self-loathing and it has dissuaded me from even reaching out. I feel almost embarrassed that after 23 years I am still spiking between 13-19 (234-332) for days on end when I am pummelling insulin, changing infusion sets, increasing basals, checking 10 times a day, changing tubing, changing insulin, carb counting to the extreme, logging foods, exercising...I am EXHAUSTED with all this effort and no return lately.

I haven't even taken part in the DOC chats or communications on twitter. I have only seen a few blood sugars under 9 in four days and it's unexplainable. The only possibly explanation is it has something to do with hormones and I may even out in a week. Just look at these charts (even though I am embarrassed!)

5 day average at 9.2 (165 mg/dcl). Sigh.

Those orange dots make me so anxious and sad.

 It's so important for people to realize that this is only me being hard on myself. Honestly if I saw these numbers for someone else I wouldn't judge or guess their ability to control their own diabetes. Everyone has different targets, ranges, abilities, wishes etc with their diabetes.

I just need to kick my D in the ass and tell it to work with me, not against me.


  1. You are right you are being hard on yourself. Don't be, Marcus is in the mid teens to mid 20's in the past two months and he seems to be high when it is hot out. When the weather is cooler his numbers are perfect (4-10)

    BTW, what app do you use? It looks neat!

    1. I know we discussed it, but it's the bgstar app for iphone. I use the meter as well and has really helpedm e see patterns. I did a review of it, actually it's here:

  2. Saw a recent tweet from you that your numbers are already getting closer to where you want them- good job on sticking it out.
    I've been at this 24 years, and that rollercoaster totally still happens. As does the guilt that can come with it. But you have to take a minute (or day or two) to chill out and then get back on the horse :)

  3. Big hugs Alanna. I can completely sympathize with how you are feeling. I also put so much pressure on myself and get disappointed when the numbers aren't where I hoped they'd be. It's a 24 hour a day, 7 days a week job to monitor diabetes, and I can see how frustrating it can be when the numbers do not reflect at all all the hard work you are doing. Please please, don't hesitate to send me DM's on Twitter, even if it's messages like "THIS SUCKS, THAT'S ALL". I'm totally here for you as you've been for me since this whole rollercoaster began not too long ago on my end. Hope you are feeling better. I myself am polishing off tissue boxes like no tomorrow.

    1. Thanks so much, Jess. I totally feel like we are already good friends from all the discussions we have been having over the past month or so!

  4. Been there, done that. Sometimes a new vial of insulin helps... I find that stuff doesn't gradually weaken, for me it just decided to abruptly quit every so often.

    I also find that, sometimes, the harder you fight diabetes, the harder it fights back. Trying to fix basals, tubing, ratios for three different meals, and all that other stuff at the same time is tough. Pick one thing (one meal maybe?) at a time to focus on, and you'll be surprised how the others fall into place.

    But it's good to just kick D in the ass every once in awhile. And if you can't figure out how (I can't), kick something else. Get your frustrations out.