I have been in tears twice now since Friday just because I feel so helpless under this weight of pressure I have on myself to prevent my toes from falling off, my kidneys from failing, my eyes from going, my heart from stopping.
I have been having a massive week of self-pity and self-loathing and it has dissuaded me from even reaching out. I feel almost embarrassed that after 23 years I am still spiking between 13-19 (234-332) for days on end when I am pummelling insulin, changing infusion sets, increasing basals, checking 10 times a day, changing tubing, changing insulin, carb counting to the extreme, logging foods, exercising...I am EXHAUSTED with all this effort and no return lately.
I haven't even taken part in the DOC chats or communications on twitter. I have only seen a few blood sugars under 9 in four days and it's unexplainable. The only possibly explanation is it has something to do with hormones and I may even out in a week. Just look at these charts (even though I am embarrassed!)
|5 day average at 9.2 (165 mg/dcl). Sigh.|
|Those orange dots make me so anxious and sad.|
I just need to kick my D in the ass and tell it to work with me, not against me.