I need to preface this post by saying that I don't hate my diabetes. I have touched on it a few times, but it has really enriched my life, and made me appreciate small things in life.
But today....today I hate my diabetes. It has made me feel like a failure at what I should be doing best: me.
It actually started last night. I had a relatively stressful day at work, and another one to look forward to, so I had a little bit of nausea. As a person with diabetes I immediately checked my blood sugar which rang in at a solid 7.3 post supper (eggs, toast and spinach).
As someone who (knock on wood) doesn't get sick (as in the last time I had the flu it was the great Swine Flu of 2009) I was confused. I didn't know where this nausea was coming from if my blood sugar was ok. I tested Ketones and it came in at 0.3 on my meter.
Something. Is. Up.
I crawl in to bed early, and hope that I wake up after having slept this off, check my blood and I am sitting at 14.8. When my sugar hits 10 I want to throw up, so this was a pretty significant feeling for me. Not to mention waking up is hard enough. I immediately changed my infusion set, knowing that it had to be done today anyway and corrected myself. I made myself some lunch and packed a bit extra for when I wanted breakfast later in the morning. As I was driving to work I was feeling woozy again, and warm and I had a headache. I was running a bit late, but after recently reading a blog about a woman who had a severe low while driving (thanks again d-community) I pulled over and checked my blood. I was now sitting at 17.5. I corrected again and kept going. At this point I was thinking I would have to change my site again.
But, 20 mins later I arrive at work and check again and I was sitting comfortably at 9.3.
A few hours go by, still not hungry I check again and I am 7.8. And since then I have been (in order around 2 hours apart): 16.4, 12.3, 10.4 and now I am 5.8, where I should have been all day.
So what has this told me? Nothing! That's the worst part. My sugars were whacked all day and I have had a nagging sour stomach for two days and that's the conclusive evidence I have towards my self-care. I ate a salad for lunch with some hummus on pita and just forced myself to eat some fresh rolls and a granola bar.
It could be stress.
It could be hormones.
It could be my infusion set.
It could be my insulin.
In could be my pump.
It could be something I ate.
It could be that I have a cut on my breast that is healing.
It could be that I slept too much.
It could be that I slept not enough.
Maybe I am dehydrated? Flu?
...Do people even get the flu in July when it's beautiful out?
That's the thing about living with Type 1. You never have a definite answer to "why?" The only thing we can do as people with diabetes is take the numbers we are handed by our meters, doctors, pee sticks etc and mash them up and make a solid effort. Some people try to turn this disease into mathematical equations and a science. Unfortunately every single person is so unique in how they handle, react, treat and have diabetes we can not be fit into a textbook definition.
So move forward I shall and I hope for a better day mentally and d-wise tomorrow.